Catching Tiger by His Tale

Thanksgiving is football.  It's as plain and simple as that.  It's the time of year that we can escape from the wuss sports - namely baseball and golf. 

Except this weekend, this year.

Across every TV in the bar, non-stop, scrolls the sound bite-sized story of Tiger Woods' "serious" car accident.  C'mon, give me a break.  He gets in a car accident and has some cuts to his lips?  Let's all take a deep breath, gather our composure, and cancel the planned candle-light vigil. 

Toward the end of yesterday, news broke that Tiger and his wife/"rescuer," Elin, declined a police interview investigating the accident.  Saturday, they played the same card, asking the police to please return on Sunday.

WTF?

I'm just imagining me getting in a car accident at 2:30 am, being found laying in the street "slipping into and out of consciousness," and trying to tell the police to please come back in a couple of days to ask me what happened.  Its says right here, if you're not a celebrity in our celebrity-crazed society, you're quickly two fingers into a full body cavity search down at the precinct before you can utter the words, "Miranda rights."

I'm interested in Tiger's tale, whenever he chooses to tell it.  First, how the hell do you get in an accident pulling out of your driveway?  How fast do you have to be peeling out of your driveway to lose control, bounce off a fire hydrant, and slam into a tree hard enough to 1) knock yourself "in and out of conciousness," 2) make a sound loud enough to alert your wife inside your mansion, and 3) require said wife to break the rear window with a golf club in order to rescue you? 

That tale outlined above?  Iimpossible, of course.  Rather, I will suggest the story will undoubtedly be the age-old story, told many times over the history of mankind.  It goes something like this:  Rich man meets hot nanny who works for a competitor.  Rich man marries beautiful woman, and has a rich, beautiful kid.  Rich man goes on a trip and end ups meeting another hot woman (or two).  Somehow the wife finds out, and confronts him.  Rich man tries to escape in his car.  Beautiful wife chases him with golf club.  Rich man wrecks car.  Beautiful wife clocks him with golf club. 

All I'm saying is that this Tiger Tale is building toward one huge divorce settlement, and should keep the tabloids busy long enough for them to forget how to spell "Lindsay Lohan."

Now, if you'll please pardon me - I need to get back to this one last gimlet before me and the boys head out to re-enact "the accident."  First stop, Las Vegas and the other women.