Fighting Speidi

So, I’m listening to Ryan Seacrest today – yeah, I know; an entirely different blog post, I’m afraid – and he has a “news” item on Speidi. Giving the blonde bimbo – the woman of the pair, in this case – a bit of a break, the story dealt with the douche husband, Mr. Heidi, some Spencer some-thing-or-another. Seems senor douche is quoted in the New York Post (which, admittedly, means there is a chance he didn't really say it at all) as saying, “Speidi is Barack and Michelle famous, not Kardashian famous!” Of course, stating Speidi is more famous than the ever-present, bubble-butted Kardashians, is a lot like saying a hemorrhoid is more annoying than a cold sore.

I have a few questions. First, who are the Kardashians, and why does anyone care - so much so there's a TV show about them? Second, who the hell is Mr. Heidi and why is s/he even remotely famous? The fact this moron has a modicum of fame suggests our society has devolved to levels that make the fiction of Idiocracy seem more like a L. Ron Hubbard-like foreshadowing of future civilization.

Remind to write another post on L. Ron and his peeps.

I can only hope that Speidi is famous because people hate her/him/them. In my nascent campaign for public office (see September 25 post), I might be able to put this (hopeful) public outrage to my advantage. I’ll surely sway the voting public by demolishing Speidi in a cage fight.

Yes, I want to fight Speidi – her, him, or both together; it doesn’t f’ing matter. Bring the bitches on!

Tweet me up @RayHartjen.

Ending Government Constipation

Lots of folks are bitchin’ and moanin’ about government these days – all levels of municipal, state, and, of course, federal – and with good reason too. There’s nothing like an out of touch career politician (or an entire building of them), many of whom have never had a “real” job, to get the emotions roiling.

Trouble is, nothing ever seems to get done. Constructive dialogue seems like a long-forgotten tenet of our free-speech society. Now, it’s all about being bombastic and in-your-face, from political conservatard and liberaltard commentators (O’Reilly and Olbermann, I talking about you douches) to politicians themselves (and, that will include you, Joe “You Lie!” Wilson).

Most everyone is pitching in with complaints. Some are offering up solutions, including the King of the “Wake ‘n Bake” crowd, Joe Rogan. Joe thinks we ditch the system and adopt a Star Trek-like “council of elders,” with no ties to corporations. Now, I’ve had a man-crush on Joe for years now, and I treasure his well-deserved opinion. However, when you start to take your governmental cues from science fiction entertainment, it’s time to push yourself away from the one-hitter pipe, even if temporarily. I’m just saying, Joe …

I figure it’s time for me to offer up my own solutions - time to push myself away from the highball glass and run for office. I’m not sure of what office to run for yet – I’ll have to query the bar. I’m not also sure of the particulars of my platform. But, I do know that it will be centered on getting shit done.

End government constipation. Vote for Ray and get government off the pot.

Follow my campaign on Twitter @RayHartjen

That One Thing

There’s always one buzz kill in the bar; at least one. Brings up something stupid – usually thought provocative and intelligent, but in the wrong context – namely, a bar. Just when you think you might get through one night … damn, some (other) idiot opens his mouth.

Today, it’s “the meaning of life.”

Some guy actually said he viewed his mission on the planet as “to propagate the species.” Yeah, like the gene pool needs further enhancement from a pudgy, balding, barfly.

The conversation got me reminiscing though. I remember seeing City Slickers, with Billy Crystal and Jack Palance. Billy plays a role where he enters a bit of a mid-life crisis, wondering what he’s doing and where he’s going, trying to figure out what he wants. The old-school Cowboy, Curly (played by Jack) seems to have it all figured out. In one scene, Billy asks Jack what the secret is. Jack responds by holding up a single gloved finger. Billy says, “Your finger? The secret is your finger?” Curly, is his brusque growl responds, “No. It’s that one thing that’s most important to your life; that makes it worthwhile; that makes life worth living.”

Give me a break, I’m paraphrasing – it was a long time ago, okay?

So, for Curly, the “thing” was being outdoors, living the simple life, driving cattle – it’s what he lived for.

I saw that movie with my first wife, good ol’ what’s her name. On the way out to the car, she asks, “What’s your one thing?”

To which, I immediately reply, “The Indy 500.”

Yeah.

Never really heard much from what’s her name after that night.

The Race Card in Politics?

Hmmm. Jimmy Carter is on record as saying the growing "animosity" against Barack Obama's presidency is rooted in racism. Jimbo has no facts on this assertion. It's just his opinion, and as an American (as well as a gentleman peanut farmer who proclaimed his worldly lust over the spreads in Playboy), he's entitled to just such. Maybe even moreso than others.

But, I'm a bit put off by his "animosity" quote. Are you kidding? Obama gets treated with kid gloves relative to former Prez George W. My wife, Lori (who's white), routinely called him "ignorant." That seems a little more emotionally fuelled than some of the things going around about Obama right now. Makes me wonder - is she a racist? Do I have to sleep with one eye open?

Jimmy, stick to your humanitarian work. You're a good dude (I like looking at naked girls too). I just ask that before you start a fire and then go find a bunch of gas to throw on it, do a little more homework on seeing if there is a spark involved.

Leave all the made up shit to those best qualified to do so - us at the bar.

Cycling and Leg Shaving

Okay, the boys at the bar have a question. Skipping the colorful language and name calling, the question is basically, "Why do bicyclists shave their legs?" Well, simple, my simple friends. Five reasons, as follows:

1. Easier massages. High level cyclists get massages after every difficult effort. In a race like the Tour de France, Lance Armstrong will get a massage after every day, helping him recuperate and prepare him for the next gruelling stage. Hairy legs mean hair pulling during massages - hard to relax when your literally getting your hair pulled out.
2. Road rash. It's not uncommon for a cyclist to hit the deck, leaving with a nice bit of road rash. Having hair increases friction when sliding across asphalt, and your road rash gets bigger, with flesh being torn from your body by leg hair (nice, huh?). Cleaning road rash with hairs all dug in is a real bitch. Finally, healing road rash with hairs getting embedded in scabs - ouch!
3. Winged insects, particularly those with stingers. Wings stick to the hair and the insect flaps around mightedly trying to escape. Panicking, it then stings. It can be a real distraction when riding 25 mph, six inches away from another rider and in a pack of another 100 or so.
4. Community. Particularly if you're a man. Not too many men with shaved legs. Welcome to the club - small and ultra-selective, if not prestigious.
5. Vanity. Don't kid yourself. The biggest single reason, particularly for "weekend warrior" cyclists (read: all non-professionals), shaving is for appearance and appearance only. Cycling typically results in tanned, muscular, well-defined legs. Mine look best when they're shaved.

So, there you have it. Just be careful for those tricky places on the knee and ankle.